LIR 33015 - RaidoR

What is it that's not moving forward? Do you want it to be moving? Perhaps today's a good day to focus on that.

Alternatively, it might just be a day of little movement in any department. It may be a good day to not try and push forward.

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Today was not about transportation, for me, or not as i expected. My car had her 3 month treatment with no issues. And we did actually leave the house today.

And, after checking my to do list, I found I had made progress on everything I wanted to. I confirmed a singing lesson, received an email regarding writers' group, and purchased tickets for Beltania. All forward movement.

Even the one place that hasn't really shown public connection (happiness guide / coach) had some movement today. But that was the most difficult type of movement. So, perhaps, for me, today's movement focus was about what type of movement or, even better, vehicle of movement. Um, in what forms, attitude, am I able to move comfortably? Something... let's move (ha, ha) into the metaphor portion.

Much of my inner focus these days has been on accepting my body type. Which is round. (I am almost able to say it without that weird determined voice.) Even when I was at my "ideal weight for my height" (for approx 30 seconds the 1st week of college) I was round. Round face. Round fingers. Round calves. Round thighs. Round hair. Lots of it. (yay!) 

Yet, I've never thought of myself as round, perhaps because many of my role models and colleagues, heck, family, were more rectangle than round. (And this discovery is a subject for another post (or set of them.)).  I was dressing, expecting to see, and even dancing, walking, sitting as if I was rectangle instead of round, because that was what I saw. Retraining my habits has been very interesting.

For coaching, I have been having similair issues - trying to put on the hat or shoes of "THE GUIDE", and then stumbling around for awhile until I managed to find what fit me. 

For example, when I am wish to offer counsel, but I'm not sure what to say, I slip on the guide boots. (they're brown, leather, very good for hiking through forests.) "I am a happiness guide" (can you see the self important head wiggle?). "Let me lead you out of the slough of despair." I step forward confidently, trip, and fall on my face.

Next! Heels (cuz I am a woman.)? Loafers? Army boots! 

I continue to try on different shoes (metaphysically) until I find my footing - which usually ends us as my comfy slippers, in which I am able be me, which is where all my truths lie, anyway.

In short, one can't move easily when one is trying to be a thing, or act like someone else. One can only move forward as oneself.

The army boots are kind of fun, though. I do keep a virtual pair in my closet, next to the bazooka. For when gentle words don't really get anything moving. *G*

I hope you had a great day!

-lila

112613 - SoweloR

some goals haven't been reached yet and it may feel like you've been trudging forever.  A distraction or a different perspective may help rejuvenate your sense of purpose.

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the thing that sticks out most as feeling like the "unreachable goal" is my body shape.

disclaimer here: as long as a person is happy with their lifestyle, let them be whatever shape they desire, wear what they want, and let no insecure gossip monger dare to say otherwise.  (unless it's a child.  But that falls under the whole responsibility toward others umbrella and is a very tricky, tangled subject.)  So sayeth I.

I am happy with my lifestyle, especially as food has been a main source of comfort in my life and I have never felt inclined to many physical activities.  But, I am not happy with the shape I have because, when I look in the mirror, I do not see what I feel.  Therefore I am determined to change my shape.  

In the past two weeks I have increased my physical activity.  I even (speak softly) do crunches in the morning.  And yes, every time I squeeze my upper body up off the matt, I feel a little like I'm betraying my people - the happy, comfortable, non-exercising people.  But, I can see no other way to achieve the shape I desire.  Surgery is scary, and wishing hasn't worked - except to change some of my tastes, my attention to what I eat, and my desire to actually do something.

So I have been doing some exercises.  And actually feeling a like my goal was achievable.  Then yesterday, I put on a fun outfit, looked in the mirror, and just wanted to cry.  I knew the bulge was because of food choices in the last few days -- or I assume it was.

The worst part was, yesterday was a day of dining out.  So the taste buds warred with the memory of myself in the mirror.  I don't know if anyone won, yesterday.

At least I have a little more practice in knowing what I don't want to eat when I feel that way about my body.  And more knowledge of my patterns in certain situations.

Because yesterday's distraction was shoes.  I went shopping for a particular type of boot.  I had my usual problem meshing visually pleasing with desired purpose and good fit.  In wandering up and down the aisles between sizes, I found a pair of boots that was cute and functional and perfect! except they weren't what I was shopping for.

I did manage to talk myself out of a panic/ frustration attack and I did achieve my objective by compromising .  I have a few ideas in mind for when I next go shoe shopping - about how to make it easier on myself.

And I did reward myself by purchasing the perfect boots.  And then I came home and realized they were a size too big. So I geared myself up and went back to the store (returning things is also not easy for me) and I not only found them in a better size, I found them in two colors.

And so I rewarded myself with something fun to consume when I went out to dinner.  (A gingerbread shake. Wow!)  But I think I would have been happiest if I'd left it at that, and not consumed anything else at the restaurant.

And so, in conclusion, yesterday it did feel like I may never reach my desired shape.  But I learned a few more things about myself and my reactions; and this morning I did the crunches yet again.  So.  Yay me.

I hope you have a great day!

-Lila