some goals haven't been reached yet and it may feel like you've been trudging forever. A distraction or a different perspective may help rejuvenate your sense of purpose.
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the thing that sticks out most as feeling like the "unreachable goal" is my body shape.
disclaimer here: as long as a person is happy with their lifestyle, let them be whatever shape they desire, wear what they want, and let no insecure gossip monger dare to say otherwise. (unless it's a child. But that falls under the whole responsibility toward others umbrella and is a very tricky, tangled subject.) So sayeth I.
I am happy with my lifestyle, especially as food has been a main source of comfort in my life and I have never felt inclined to many physical activities. But, I am not happy with the shape I have because, when I look in the mirror, I do not see what I feel. Therefore I am determined to change my shape.
In the past two weeks I have increased my physical activity. I even (speak softly) do crunches in the morning. And yes, every time I squeeze my upper body up off the matt, I feel a little like I'm betraying my people - the happy, comfortable, non-exercising people. But, I can see no other way to achieve the shape I desire. Surgery is scary, and wishing hasn't worked - except to change some of my tastes, my attention to what I eat, and my desire to actually do something.
So I have been doing some exercises. And actually feeling a like my goal was achievable. Then yesterday, I put on a fun outfit, looked in the mirror, and just wanted to cry. I knew the bulge was because of food choices in the last few days -- or I assume it was.
The worst part was, yesterday was a day of dining out. So the taste buds warred with the memory of myself in the mirror. I don't know if anyone won, yesterday.
At least I have a little more practice in knowing what I don't want to eat when I feel that way about my body. And more knowledge of my patterns in certain situations.
Because yesterday's distraction was shoes. I went shopping for a particular type of boot. I had my usual problem meshing visually pleasing with desired purpose and good fit. In wandering up and down the aisles between sizes, I found a pair of boots that was cute and functional and perfect! except they weren't what I was shopping for.
I did manage to talk myself out of a panic/ frustration attack and I did achieve my objective by compromising . I have a few ideas in mind for when I next go shoe shopping - about how to make it easier on myself.
And I did reward myself by purchasing the perfect boots. And then I came home and realized they were a size too big. So I geared myself up and went back to the store (returning things is also not easy for me) and I not only found them in a better size, I found them in two colors.
And so I rewarded myself with something fun to consume when I went out to dinner. (A gingerbread shake. Wow!) But I think I would have been happiest if I'd left it at that, and not consumed anything else at the restaurant.
And so, in conclusion, yesterday it did feel like I may never reach my desired shape. But I learned a few more things about myself and my reactions; and this morning I did the crunches yet again. So. Yay me.
I hope you have a great day!
-Lila
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