My Life in Runes - UrazR

I sometimes pull runes for myself. It only makes sense, right? Though I have learned we often forget to do what would really help in a stressful time. Especially if we're focused on how we "should" do it for others.

Regardless, I am practicing.

Today I pulled a rune for myself. (I am at the International Threshold Choir Gathering.) And I received UrazR.

Of course, reading for oneself can be tricky. Many of us tend to be much more stern with ourselves than with others. And of course, if the rune has any form of a negative connotation, the mind (or whatever implant that runs the OMG machine) starts listing them. All.

I maintained my practice, I am happy to say. I asked myself, what would UrazR mean today if I were reading it for someone else? It could be "Something may not feed you". Or perhaps a question. "Do you have a foundation? Is something missing a foundation?"

I have really gotten to know my chest voice on this trip. And my writing voice (I'm still looking for my hair.) So of course, as I'm belting out songs in the "Sing Your Prayers" workshop (finally got my gospel fix!) I wondered, should I be playing with my high voice? Maybe I'm not supposed to be singing so low (cuz yeah, my voice can get into the foundations. Yay!) So, happiness being achieved, the answer to that was no.

Turned out, it meant don't go to a specific workshop.

I had other signs. I thought, maybe I need to take a break. When I saw the facilitator, I was not drawn to her. And when she described the class, I thought, oh. Hmm.

But, I was nervous about going to this one because it involved my personal creativity. And further, growing my creativity. And even further, putting my creativity out there. In front of women who can create five part harmony on the spot. Oh, glory! So, I read the soft nos as an extension of the anxiety.

But it wasn't the workshop I wanted. There were displays of creativity, but no budding potential brought into bloom. Not what I was craving! I did sing my song, after babbling through an introduction, because I was so anxious. I knew if I didn't sing, I would go three shades of frustration at myself. After all, I was there.

But it wasn't worth the singing. I swear, this time, unlike book signings, the bout of anxiety was not worth it at all. I can't say there was no connection. Because they tried. But, there was no food for my well.

Happily, I listened to myself later, and was fed with laughter, and companionship. I had the table of sunshine. People joined me. So, yes. I totally missed the small moment the rune was discussing, in my watchfulness for the big moment. But oh, the joy I found when I tried again.

I actually do need to work on my singing foundation, though. My throat has just informed me, my support needs a LOT of work. But I'll probably still think that belting was worth it, even tomorrow.

I hope you have a great day!

-Lila

LIR 4815 Isa & EihwazR

Isa - What is the truth of the situation, the problem, the project, the feeling? Without attaching past experiences or future possibilities, what is the NOW?

EihwazR - And what can be melded easily without needing a bridge, a middleman, a conductor? Is there some extra work involved that's unnecessary?

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I became fixated yesterday on the middle man part - trying to cut out extra work and all those fiddly moments of worry that add so much burden to otherwise simple tasks. (like phone calls. Or answering emails.) Unfortunately, I feel I cut out parts which would have been helpful - like looking over my notes before filming a video class. Ah well.

As for Isa, for me it was more a day of grateful isolation. I accomplished so much, and most of it was easy. 

However, "What is the Now," is a very tricky question. In that it's so simple I want to make it more difficult. It's so tempting to add stories to it. To bring in the past, to compare now to what I want in the future.

Moments change. Truths change. Heck, in my A Capella group, some of my notes were changed because I couldn't reach them consistently. From moment to moment.

It just feels difficult sometimes, when the answers aren't evident, when the truth is something I didn't expect or, worse, goes against my reality.

Blah. Whatever. Seriously. That was then. Now is different. Somehow I made it past the tears I didn't understand, and stopped the video tape of scenarios in my head. Practice pays off. I am glad I allowed the tears of the moment, gave them their space, and then moved on. No repression, no embarrassment. Just acceptance and release.

And then pudding. So that was good.

I hope you had a great day!
-Lila