12413 - ThurisazR

You may fear your shields are down.  Just pay attention; you will be fine.

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Blech.

And hello, after, what? 3, 4 days?

Physically,  my shields were down.  I was virally attacked and I did not enjoy it at all.

In the past, having a cold was a cue to take some down time.  And guilt played a big part of the vicious cycle which went something like this.

I start feeling tired.  I don't want to do things.  But, work ethic and guilt and "good girl" syndrome kick in and start yelling at me, so I go do things.  Then I do get sick.  But is it really sick enough to take the day off?  To not go to school or work?  To lounge around in bed all day and sleep?  (oh wonderful sleep?)  Is it sick enough to eat bland things and drink wimpy teas?  Or am I just being lazy?  Do I just want a day without responsibility?  Guilt, exhaustion, guilt, exhaustion.  Until I finally do call in sick, because doing that was less fearful than being ill at school or work.

Of course, in grade school, I had an adult to make the decision for me.  And as an adult, I followed the rules of "if you're sick enough to stay home from work, you're sick enough to stay home from everything else."  (this actually backfired once.)  There was also the idea, once I got into the workplace, that it's better to go in sick and be sent home, then to call in sick.  "Because at least they can see you've tried."

Today, all of that game playing seems another kind of releasing of responsibility.  THEY get to tell us when we're sick enough to stay home.  THEY get to say working at a sub par speed for five days is better than taking one day off and working up to speed for the other four.  Maybe we all prefer to be victims, martyrs, submissive to THEY.

And yes, it's very easy for me to be philosophical about it in my position -- my clients are flexible, and if I don't accomplish my other responsibilities, I don't lose income or have to worry about feeding my children.

But from my perspective, it all comes down to this today.  (Or it still comes down to this.)  What is right for me?  For my body?  For my happiness?  Because I agonized for hours, even while bowed before the porcelain throne, whether to go to a client the next day.  Surely I would be better.  Surely it was more responsible to drag myself out into public, possibly infecting others, make myself do something because, hey, I wasn't really sick, I was just being lazy, right?  And looking back now, that just seems horribly terribly wrong. 

When I am healthy (and happy) I do the bookkeeping and the runes and the other things because I want to.  If I didn't want to, I wouldn't do it.  So, Lila, it's time to take even more responsibility.  When you're sick, which is difficult to admit in the first place, you'll heal much faster if you pay attention and focus on healing the problem, then if you play with guilt.

Of course, this also all ties into the mind over matter body issues; chemical versus emotional also plays into health versus illness.  So much to practice.  To stand up to.  To stand up for.

Speaking of, I don't expect I'll actually be doing a rune reading today.  I don't quite have the focus I'd like.  But I hope to read tomorrow and thus post on Monday.  We'll see what the body allows.

I hope you're having a great (and healthy!) day.

-Lila

102713 - ThurisazR

Aggression, resistance, protection.  These can be lower than expected today, in you or in another.  Is this good?  Is more shielding required?  Or perhaps less?

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It's difficult to express this one easily.  I have doing a lot of practicing with believing in myself, being true to myself.  A lot of this practice requires positive thinking, or, at the least, a release of negative thinking.  Which means I am working on NOT anticipating any outcome or reaction from others, only focusing on my goals and being open to the possibilities that feed everyones' truths, instead of projecting reactions.  So, in that sense, there was no expectation of resistance in the parts of today which were ...

Today I asked for help.  This is something I have been practicing, and I am still practicing.  In the past, I would have projected various actions, reactions and scenarios; and when it came time to ask, my behavior would have been... I think passive aggressive is the right description.  As in:  Help me, but only if you want to and I really don't need what I really need, and your happiness is more important than my happiness but you really want to make me happy, don't you?

However, I have also been practicing being true to myself, and accepting that I do need what I need.  I have been practicing believing my happiness is as important as anyone else's.  I have been practicing standing up for my choices.  I have practiced doing.  I have, in short, been practicing being a responsible, honorable adult.

This requires more than a release of negative thinking -- it is a release of anticipation, of expectation for ANY outcome.  Which takes practice.

In addition, I believe I can be happy at the same time someone else is happy.  It need not be one or the other.  So, I practice being open to the possibilities that feed everyones' truths.

Yup, it is a lot of work.  But everything becomes easier with practice.  And because of this practice, I had no expectations when I asked for help.  Therefore, I was open to the response I received, and was able to engage in honorable, adult conversation to create possibilities.  And therefore this event really didn't apply to the reading at all.

However.

Riding on the success of putting my practice into, well, practice, I found myself blithely heading into a maelstrom of old habits and confusions.  I lost track of time and date, and tried to cram a lot of events (dinner, laundry, packing, prep for tomorrow) into about two hours.  Since these events involved other people, they did not flow as smoothly as I wanted them to and I became frustrated.

I did handle the frustration better than I would have 3 months ago, (thanks to my practice of breathing and stepping out of the energetic whirlwind); but that is the moment a bit more shielding (or a bit less aggression from self) would have been nice to have.

 I hope you had a great day!

-Lila